Last night, K and I roleplayed a long, involved ravishment scenario. I told him that he couldn’t be too rough, too cruel, or too frightening.
He held me down, hurt me, threatened me, and said I was only good for fucking. The things he said and did finally made me cry. I had never cried while “in character” before. I was aroused, exhausted, frightened, and unstrung. I said I knew I was worthless — a word he hadn’t used — and that’s when things took an unexpected turn.
First, K asked me (out of character) if I was okay. I said yes, keep going, don’t stop. I assured him I’d use my safeword if I needed to. But he was no longer hard. Not physically, and not emotionally, either. Instead of calling me “stupid”, “slut”, and “fucktoy”,
he said I was beautiful. That he wanted to take care of me. That I didn’t have to worry about anything.
When I stopped crying, he got rough (and hard) again. But there was a difference: the cruelty was gone. He said I was his bitch, and he would keep me forever. He “forced” me to do things, and told me I was good at them. He used me, hard, and told me how much he enjoyed me.
Afterward, he held me and touched me gently, telling me he loved me and would always take care of me. When I came back to myself, leaving the character behind, I asked him why he had lost his erection. He told me it was because I had called myself worthless. K wants to dominate me, control me, even hurt me so I can submit to him, but never harm me.
I told him I loved the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness that he had created in me. It allowed me to believe everything he said afterward without a shred of doubt. I could let him take care of me; I could believe I was beautiful and good; I could let go and trust.
Underneath everything, no matter what, I know that K will always love me, that my well-being is always paramount to him. When he hurts me, and when he comforts me, he makes me feel his love.
